Dear Amy

I wanna change my gender, any advice pleased

Daisy, 15

It takes all kinds of people to make the world and whether you live your life as Daisy or David is a choice only you can make.  But before you decide it would be a good idea to consider all your options and talk them through with someone who understands your dilemma. Writing to me is a good place start. 

First things first, it’s important to remember that for some teens the feeling that they are in the wrong body can be overwhelming, while for others its something they can live with and work around. Making the distinction will help and is the first step in knowing what to do next.

Hormones

At 15, your body is in the midst of puberty and that can be a confusing time. The process of puberty involves the release of hormones into your body to help it transform into a woman. These hormones make you change physically and emotionally, and that can be a lot to deal with.

Puberty affects different people in different ways. It is quite common for teens to question their identity as the process passes through them. Puberty can be a particularly distressing time for teens with gender identity issues as they experience their body changing into something they don’t think they are.

Looking back

It’s good to remember that puberty won’t last forever. By the time you get to your late teens and twenties there’s a good chance that things will have settled down and you’ll know who you are. In a few years there’s a good chance you’ll be able to look back and understand what was going on more clearly.

For now there’s a lot you can do to help yourself cope with the situation and deal with your confusion. 

Gender balance sheet

A good place to start is to write down a gender balance sheet. Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, and on one side make a list of all the aspects of being female you enjoy and on the other a list of all the aspects which challenge you. Repeat the exercise on another sheet of paper for what you think it will be like living life as a man. 

Give yourself plenty of time to complete the exercise and be as honest as you can. When you’ve finished look over the four columns and see what you can learn from them. Then look for ways you can include both the female and male aspects you enjoy in your every day life, while finding ways to avoid or manage the aspects you find challenging. What activities and pastimes can you include and exclude in your life that will make a difference?

Feelings diary

It might also help to keep a feelings diary. Use it to record all the times you feel drawn to being either female or male. Make a note of what triggers the feelings, as well as whatever is going on in your life and how you are affected by it. Over time you might see patterns arise which could give you an insight into the situation and the urges around changing gender.

Get support

Connecting with people who understand your situation will help. They can be a great source of support. It’s true that there’s a lot of prejudice in society; some people are going to find the choices you are facing difficult to understand. You could try doing some research on the internet. Look for support groups in your local area which would offer you a chance to meet and talk about your feelings in a safe and sympathetic environment. 

Gender identity vs. sexual identity

Sometimes gender identity is confused with sexual identity.  Since you’re questioning your gender, you might like to spend time considering your sexual identity and your attitude towards it.

How would you define yours?  Do you find yourself attracted to men or women or both? What does it mean to you to be a woman? What’s your attitude towards people who are gay? Have you ever thought that you might be gay?    

Answering these questions might help you understand how you feel about your sexual identity. Talking about it with a close friend will also help give you another perspective.

Always a solution

Remember there are no problems in life that can’t be solved.  All the solutions are just waiting to be found. If we make an effort, we can overcome any difficulty. The world is full of people who have faced up to major challenges and overcome them.

Remember also that it’s not uncommon for people to experience difficulty around gender issues and for those feelings to be resolved in different ways – some people find ways of resolving the feelings and just get on with life as they are, others are content to remain in their body change and their sexual orientation, while others may decide to become transsexual and undergo sexual-realignment treatment and surgery later in life.

Gender is a complex business.  Give yourself time and space to come to terms with yours before you make any decisions.

For more help and information

• The Mermaid Support Group support children and teens up to the age of 19 trying to cope with gender identity issues.
• Ask your GP to refer you to a psychotherapist that specializes in gender identity issues, such as the Gender Identity Development Service based at Great Ormond Street Hospital.

Last reviewed by Great Ormond Street Hospital: 8 July 2008

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